SUGGESTIONS FOR DEALING WITH THE DEPRESSED- article 11

Part 1.

As one of the depressed, I have recently reached my zenith in dealing with “Jubilant Christians”; the people who believe, by smiling and thinking happy thoughts, life is a scene from a fairytale. Everyday is wondrous and we walk on fluffy clouds. All your ills are healed, rainbows are everywhere and there is no sadness.



Smiling on the outside, torn on the inside only teaches you how to pretend. I myself have put on Meryl Streep like performances for years, but it is exhausting. I’ve prayed for healing. I’ve had others pray on my behalf for healing. I’ve had the ‘laying on of hands’, people speaking in tongues and prophesying or as my friend calls it, prophe-lying. I’ve had people come to pray over my home to rebuke evil spirits, anointing my door jams with oil and making me throw stuff out they felt might harbor Beelzebub’s minions (yeah, as if my depression was caused by the rag doll someone got me from their trip to Jamaica). I’ve gone to Al-anon, have had more than my share of therapy; one on one and group. Grief recovery groups, 1 of which I got kicked out of, Bible studies (all female and mixed) and 3 church ‘coaches’ (that’s what their calling them now instead of counselors). The result being, not only am I told by Jubilant Christians, “I have done nothing to better myself”, I’m also still depressed.

I have recently discovered in the process of praying for healing and pretending to not be depressed – I’m kind of telling God, “I got this”. In truth ‘I got’ nothing. As the saying goes, ‘God can’t help you with a problem you don’t have.’

A quick word about my depression.

Neither one of my parents should have been parents, not to say I should have never been born; just neither had any maternal or paternal instincts. They married when they found out my mother was pregnant (cause that’s what people use to do back then) and divorced while I was still a baby. My father did the bare minimum, he didn’t interfere – I was my mother’s responsibility, as he said. The problem was my mother was very angry and very violent. She was an alcoholic, prone to rages, which I could only compare to what demonic possession must look like. And all that anger was directed towards me. This started as early as I can remember, maybe around 4 or 5 and then she wore herself out (from the violence and rages) by the time I was a senior in high school. And a few of those years( ages 9-12) I was molested by her boyfriend whose home we were living in.

I do not take medication. I’ve been tested for chemical imbalances – none were found – so I didn’t feel like medication would be the answer. Also addiction runs in the family on my mother’s side. Her father was an alcoholic and also extremely violent as well as several other family members. If you are taking prescribed medication, please continue to do so, especially if the depression is due to hormonal imbalance, manic, bi-polar etc. It is unwise (and dangerous) to just stop taking your meds and you have to be weaned off in conjunction with your doctors help. I’m simply saying why I don’t take medication.
Depression can strike the young, the old: male or female, it does not racially discriminate; (though some cultures don’t acknowledge it). Some people are depressed because of a loss, violent crime or abusive relationships or a variety/combinations of other reasons. This article is geared more towards survivors of childhood abuse; specifically the older adult who has fallen through the cracks.

There is one big difference between the Jubilent Christian and the Depressed (besides self-righteousness. Oops did I say that?) and it’s the thinking.

A word about foundation.

Simply said, your parents give you your foundation. The formative years are usually up to 7 yrs old. Young brains are like sponges and they soak up and learn from their environment. There are verbal and non-verbal cues we receive though out our childhood and it’s these cues shape us. The affirming, “Good job”, the smiles and the hugs you get from your parents tell you you’re loved and accepted. This is how children begin to build their confidence.

An example:

My mother was very particular about how things should be done. Hangers were to hang a certain way, the silverware had to be laid in the proper drawer just so and the towels had to be tri-folded – like the gap folds it’s t-shirts. Imagine a child trying to tri-fold a towel. Will I did. I had to. If I didn’t she’d either beat me physically (note: I do recognize the difference between a ‘beating’ and a ‘spanking’. A spanking you use your hand. A beating, you use whatever you can get your hands on…a shoe, the belt – buckle side down, phone chords etc.) or with words.

On the other hand, when I got older and would be around people with children, I noticed how differently other parents would handle the same thing. Children, in general, don’t pick up after themselves. This is something that has to be taught through repetition and nagging. I would watch mothers pick up towels, yelling back, “You have to start cleaning up after yourself”, or “I am not your personal housekeeper”. I’ve seen parents put hooks on the wall, “Just put it on the hook…just drape it over.”

So, looking at the above scenarios, you can see how one child could have a completely different thought process than the other.

Ideally our parents build our foundations and some of you are blessed to have Christian parents who were praying for you before you were born. But we build our houses. You can build your house anyway you want; a mansion or a cottage: many rooms or an open floor plan. You can even blow up your house: i.e. the rebellious years which may, but not necessarily, include drugs, drinking, having sex with anyone who would have you, criminal behavior…you get my point; but your foundation is still there. Think about the saying, “Teach the child in the ways of the Lord and they will always come back.” You can burn down a couple of the rooms and then build it back up as long as the foundation is there.

The problem with people coming from childhood abuse situations is, there is no foundation. I struggle with life. I am in a deep hole, trying to brace up the surrounding earth. I have no idea what kind of wood to use, how do I lay down the framing boards? At which point do I pour in the concrete? It’s like the first 2 houses in the story the 3 Little Pigs – The houses of straw and sticks get blown down quickly.

That’s why with so many of the depressed, when a ‘life’ problem happens, we fall apart. It’s the end of the world – the ‘everything always happens to me’ reaction. The emotions go from anger to maybe binging on food and everything in between. Maybe we need a drink, or a fix or to get laid.
We need.

The physical body is crying out for something and this something will fill that hole and of course it doesn’t so then we feel worse. The same ‘problem’ could happen to the non-depressed person and they have a completely different, and usually healthier, reaction to it. Which brings me to the next point;

The reset button.

I’ve heard many times, “Well, you’re not being abused now.” Yeah, here’s the thing about the reset button; THERE IS NO RESET BUTTON! It’s not like, once you get 5 years from the last traumatic experience your mind resets and your memory bank is erased and you’re given a whole new set of thoughts and habits and a new set of parents and a pony and your own personal rainbow and a…

When you get born again you are a new person in Christ, but you still have the same problems. It’s not like once you do the sinners prayer suddenly you understand quantum physics.

A word about pain tolerance levels.

We are all created differently. The thing about pain is, it’s only relative to the person experiencing it. Going on a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being the highest tolerance; what one can barely tolerate at a 2, for another it would be a 10. The problem is, some Jubilent Christians speak out of their own pain tolerance level. They rate themselves at a 10 for often something they’ve never been through. They speak theoretically, throwing scriptures about with no real direction on how to apply it to the problem. Except to say, ‘just keep repeating it…meditate on it’ and then walking away.

If you’ve ever had to go to the hospital or emergency room, the doctor will ask you to rate your pain on a scale from 1 to 10. From your answer, the doctor knows how much medication to give you. If you scream out, “I’m at a 15!” The doctor doesn’t say, “I think you’re over exaggerating. I’d say you’re more at a 3.” There is physical pain and emotional pain. It is pointless to argue over the pain tolerance of another person. It is not a winnable argument.

I am writing this because I wonder if the Jubilant Christian is either mean spirited or ignorant regarding the insensitive spin-the-bottle terminologies they use to comfort the depressed. No matter. In any case, stop saying these things.

1. You Just Need to Get Over It.

By “it”, are they talking about a pair of boots they missed on sale or maybe something a little deeper? Maybe not deeper for you, but clearly deeper for them. The act of getting over it is just that – an act. You can’t get over something you’re not healed from. As I said there is no reset button they can push and get a whole new brain and heart like the Lion and the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz. It doesn’t matter if you feel it has been long enough; and it may be long enough. Saying “Get Over It” doesn’t address the problem which is the ‘why’ aren’t they over it. It might be better to sit and pray with them. Talk to them and find out why they’re holding on to the pain or why the pain is holding on to them. As justified as ‘holding on to it’ may seem, they’re only hurting themselves.

One thing that makes it hard to get over something is residuals. Meaning though the abuser is not a part of the depressed persons’ life currently, their life as been altered (mentally, physically, financially) as a result of the relationship or situation.

Getting over it, takes a lot of time and forgiveness and retraining the thoughts to not rerun or relive the incident(s). The depressed person may look at the long road ahead and feel overwhelmed.

Unless they’re complaining about those boots, stop saying this. This statement in itself is dismissive and inappropriate.

2. Well, You Know We’re in the End Times.

I called the leader of a prayer group I was in. He took calls at any time of night or day. Through word of mouth he would get calls from people out of state. If you called him after midnight, he’d click over, often saying, “How late you gonna be up? I have another person on the line.” Pain is big business.

I was hysterical when I called. This was one disappointment too many and I felt abandoned by God. I had a decision to make and I needed to talk to someone. It was a little after 10p.m. I was so happy he wasn’t already on the line.
He said, “Tell me what’s happening?”

I did.

His response…

“Well Tracy, you know we’re in the end times.”

I thought, ‘Excuse me, when did we change over to having a bible theology discussion on the book of Revelations?’ I mean that’s fine, after all, my story ‘The Way We Were’ (is anybody reading it?) is about the end times. We can talk about are you pre-trib or post-trib? Who are the 144,000? Are the 7 churches mentioned literal to the times or symbolic? If you want to do a subject change it’s probably good to give the person a heads up. Maybe they don’t want to talk about the end times. Maybe they want to talk about substitutionary atonement or Calvinism.

The thing about the ‘end times’ is, it’s always the end times. When I was a child I remember adults around me talking about the end times. TBN will show old archive shows (because I guess there are no more new sermons) from 1970 – they’re talking about the end times. 40 plus years have passed and we’re still here. The bible says, “No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father”; so to use this topic as a means of comfort is baffling. That crappy inappropriate boss is still crappy and inappropriate. The teen getting teased and beaten up at school is still getting teased and beaten up at school. Perhaps the depressed person is seeking a better way to handle, what they feel is a bad situation.

I told the prayer group leader it was a mistake to call him and hung up. The worst case scenario I didn’t want to happen happened and I handled it badly. That was over 3 years ago and the world and it inhabitants are still here. I could have really used some prayer, some encouragement in who God is or some tools in how to deal with my problem.

Statements like this are another way of saying, “I’m uncomfortable with the level of pain you’re sharing right now and rather than say so, I’m going for a subject change.” It’s best to be honest. At the very least they’ll know not to come to you when they have a problem in the future. Providing of course we’re all still here.


3. If I Was You…

Go to your bathroom mirror for a moment. Look at your reflection as you say the words, “If I was you.” Say it again. There’s usually a tone that accompanies the statement, so don’t cheat yourself of the full experience.

Look closely at your reflection. Notice how the corner of your mouth sneers upward and the neck begins to roll ever so slightly. Your eyes may be beginning to turn upward and for those of you more animated in your nature of speaking, your hand rises up and there is finger pointing (remember when you point your finger, 3 fingers are pointing back at you) is involved. Repeat this until you see how judgmental this is. Marinate and enjoy.

Mind you, I am not referring to the, “If I was you I’d get the chicken salad instead of the salmon.” I’m talking about the holier than thou, ‘if I was you’. The ‘If I lived through your experience(s), even though I didn’t, I would do these particular things thus avoiding the pitfalls you have encountered. As a result I would have received total and complete healing and be the Jubilant Christian you see before you now.”

Funny (she said sarcastically), the people saying this are the ones who haven’t been through ‘it’. The people who have been through ‘it’ wouldn’t be so harsh because they know how hard it is to climb out of the pit. Or at least they’d say “If I was you…” speaking from some experience, such as recommending a book, a program or some scriptures that helped them.

Healing is not as simple as many would have you to believe. It’s not a paint by numbers, raise your hands when you sing; pray prostrate down with your face kissing the carpet; repeat this scripture while wearing this prayer cloth the first 10 mins of your day while rubbing the anointed oil, you purchased from a TV evangelist, on your forehead and over every door jam and then finish with a stomping session on the devil; because you really need to show God you mean it.

God knows the heart. He saw and heard the first time and the 50th time the depressed person has prayed. Yes, we have our work to do, but ultimately God works in His time not ours and not based on rituals.

4. I’m Here For You (figuratively speaking of course)

People will say, “Girl, I am here for you. Call me anytime or just send an email and put ‘Pray for me’, in the subject line.”

Lie, Lie, Lie.

These are not intentional lies. I believe people mean it when they say it. The problem is actually walking it out. No one says…

“Girl, you can call me anytime – before 8pm. Please don’t need prayer over the weekend and don’t ask me to pray for the same thing more than 3 times and as a matter of fact…can you text me instead. I’ll get back to you quicker, unless of course I’m busy.”

If you are over 27, you should know what you can and cannot do. Instead of thinking of it as being a poor reflection on your character or being a bad Christian; just keep it real.

I happened to see the beginning of an episode of the Good Wife. Alicia was speaking with another lawyer, David, in her firm. She was seeking his advice regarding getting a divorce from Peter. David asked Alicia a few questions and it was obvious she was struggling with her feelings. As she was about to say something David interrupted and said, “Don’t tell me. I don’t like dealing with other people’s dramas.” (which is hilarious because he’s a divorce lawyer)

If everytime someone opens up to you and the conversation ends in an argument, it’s time you face the fact – maybe you aren’t good at the compassion thing. Which is ok.

If you know you don’t have the patience to walk it out with them, don’t volunteer to be an accountability partner. Don’t tell them to call when they need prayer for an ongoing problem. Don’t lull them into a false sense of security by offering your ear to bend when you know you have a short fuse. Just say, “I’ll pray God sends people willing to help/encourage you.” Pray it once and move on with your life.

5. You Just Want Sympathy

In order for sympathy to be administered, don’t other people have to be around? Can sympathy be given in absentia?

I can barely get people to return my calls let alone come up with enough energy to emote sympathy. Jubilant Christians don’t usually like to be around sad people. Sad is bad. They might have to do something – like pray for you or (gulp) listen to you talk.’

I think this statement started years ago by a son growing tired of the manipulations of his mother-in-law. Some people are manipulative and this is very true. They’re always asking you to do stuff for them. When you talk to them they hog the entire conversation to talk about their aches and pains and who done them wrong. Manipulative people not only want sympathy, they want anything they can get from you.

When you’re accusing someone of wanting your sympathy, be sure you have assigned them to the correct crime. Manipulation is not a key component of depression – sadness is.

6. God Never Promised You A Bed Of Roses (and all of its sister statements)
Did someone really come up to you and say God promised them a bed of roses? Really? No, really? I’ve never heard anyone make that statement before. Maybe the person had a string of disappointments. Maybe they need to forgive someone. Maybe they need to forgive themselves. Maybe they need to make better decisions. Maybe they need some real solutions on how to fix something they’re dealing with. Maybe they need to spend more time with God. Maybe they just need time.

The depressed person realizes life is not going to be easy, (It has not been easy, thus the reason they are depressed) Perhaps they need better skills in dealing with life’s problems. If someone is having continuous issues with relationships; they don’t need to hear dismissive one-liners, they need to learn how to form healthy relationships and how to/or recognize the signs of toxic relationships. This statement doesn’t delve into any depth because it doesn’t ask any questions.

If you’re successful at something the depressed person is struggling with, help them to be better at it. If you’re no better at it then they are, be honest. Unless the person is having a gardening problem or you have some sort of yard work metaphor, take this out of your ‘comforting words’ rolodex.


7. Are You Sure You’re Saved (and Christian double speak)

I have been asked this many times. I’ve been quizzed, “Do you believe Jesus is the son of God and that He died on the Cross for our sins?” I’ve had do defend myself to people who, I guess because I’m not healed from my depression; believe I must not really be Christian. Because after all while depression is not a sin it so obviously is.

No matter what happens in your life you should be happy because to not be happy is showing a lack of faith and having a lack of faith is a sin. Even though Jesus died for our sins because we are human and all fall short, we should however be perfect. Always having perfect thoughts and reactions to whatever life brings us. Christians don’t struggle. If you’re struggling, are you sure you’re Christian? You must never speak of your pain. You must never think of your pain. In thinking of your pain you are showing yourself to be selfish and self-centered. As a matter of fact – you are not in pain. Pain is weakness and therefore an indication of your lack of perfection. Christians are perfect. We don’t suffer lost or addictions. We don’t question God. We certainly never get angry. We only think happy thoughts. We Smile all the time. When we say “We are all sinners, we really mean other people. We may berate others about their sin but totally ignoring our imperfections because, well quite frankly, we don’t have them. We are Christians.

There’s a Twilight Zone episode called “It’s A Good Life”. In it the lead character, a six year old boy named Anthony possessed God-like powers including the ability to read minds. He wished the rest of the world away except for his neighborhood.The remaining inhabitants had to think good thoughts at all times otherwise Anthony would wish them into the cornfield (it’s assumed this is a death sentence). A wife displaying grief after Anthony wishes her husband away is quickly told, “You better think good thoughts about me or I’ll send you away just like I did him.” She quickly starts smiling, “Oh Anthony, it’s a real good thing you did. A real good thing.”

I don’t see God as this cruel being saying “You better think happy thoughts or I’ll send you to the cornfield”. I believe we repent of our sins, He forgives. He sees our weaknesses and gives us grace and some of us need more grace than others.

I guess I missed the part about us being perfect and without sin in order to receive and keep salvation. My bad.

8. You’re Not Committed To Your Own Growth (You’re not trying to help yourself. You want to be like this…and all of it’s cousins)

Someone wrote this statement to me during an email correspondence. I was no longer attending the same church we (she still does) use to go to. What usually happens when you leave a church, a job or any other type of ‘community’– also gone are the relationships. I was telling her how I was missing those friendships and (to put the comment more in context) she wrote back:

“It’s hard to be friends with someone who in no way is committed to their own growth”

Ouch.

Here’s the thing: unless you’re married to, live with or at least in very frequent communication with the depressed person, you have no idea what they’re doing and therefore have no right to say this.

I get it – for the typical person; they move forward in a like-so fashion. They set a goal. The goal is achieved or there is a reasonable facsimile thereof outcome.

For the depressed person we often do things – forge onward…muddle through and the end result is as if we’ve done nothing at all. For some they tell the devil to leave and he flees; for others, they tell the devil to leave and he laughs.

We the depressed, often do a lot of huffing and puffing but with no results. It could be the thinking process. There is a difference between working hard and working smart, as they say. I for one, have yet to figure out how to work smart.

What is funny about the comment is, a few weeks before I and gotten kicked out of a recovery group (I had completed 2 previously) and a month or so before that, the Christian coach I was working with dropped me and months prior to that another coach had move on. And on that same day, a friend removed me from her facebook page.

Because you don’t see results don’t assume they aren’t doing anything. Most depressed people don’t share all of their crap. If you have not talked (and no I do not mean text or email I mean sitting in front of and talking) to the person in a few months they’re not going to tell you everything or anything for that matter. Why would I share my recent faux pas with someone I hadn't talked to in a while and over email?

These type of statements offer no skills or knowledge in how to ‘be committed to your own growth’ and actually grow. The depressed person walks away with the same (to use Joyce Meyers term) stinkin thinkin they walked in with.

If you’re not a regular fixture in the depressed person’s life, you’re not going to know what they’re doing so here’s a wacky suggestion – why don’t you ask.


Just checking in…

If at any point of reading this article, some of your first thoughts are…

“I can’t be bothered with this. I've got my own problems.”
“This is petty”
“There are other things going on in the world, get over yourself”

…or any other related terminologies; you shouldn’t say anything to the depressed. If you can’t be bothered in the helping them, then at least stop hurting them.


9. CHOOSE JOY!!!!!!

One of the dictionary definitions of joy is: a deep feeling of satisfaction. I think true joy comes from the heart – it is not false.

I can choose to pretend.

Babies are joyful. You dangle some keys or anything shiny in front of them, they laugh. You make a face; they laugh. You play peek-a-boo they laugh. I use to have a have friend with 2 boys and a girl. Her daughter (3or4 yrs old) would be in the back seat, and sometimes she would get into these giggle fits. She would just laugh and I don’t mean for a second, I mean the whole time we were in the car. Then she would do what I like to call melody-o-hits; adding singing to the laughter. None of the words made sense, at least not to us, but it was hilarious to watch. Though I’m not in contact with that family anymore, I hope her daughter kept that same joy though the years up to her adult life.

My mother was depressed while I was growing up. From the youngest age I can remember (3-4) I don’t remember her being otherwise. She was either sad or angry. Giggle fits and other signs of childhood giddyness were not tolerated. She would yell, “What are you smiling at?” or “What’s so funny? Yeah, I’ll give you something to laugh at.” Until one day I didn’t anymore. Children adjust. I remember the day – Saturday. I remember what I had on – it was a white sweater top with red and blue trim. I remember where we were – In the car on the Imperial Hwy. I’m not sure how old I was but I was very young. I can’t remember all the horrible things she said to me that day but I can remember how I felt. A part of me died that Saturday.

Children learn how to survive the situations their thrust in. The thinking sets in. Like I said, there is no reset button. I sometimes wonder who I was meant to be and what I would have been like. But that person is gone. I can only pray for God to remake me.

If you asked the depressed person in your life when that experience was for them, they probably remember. They probably have more than one. I have 3 all before I was 9. You usually can’t forget it. Whatever the experience was, you lost yourself on that day.

People say “Choose Joy” like I can choose green jelly beans or blue jelly beans. People say “Go back to the time when you had that childlike happyness”…what…in utero? Can I choose to have Mariah Carey’s voice? True joy is a gift, not something you put on a serving platter and offer as one would hor dourves.

Either cultivating a relationship with God or God working through people he has placed in your life(or a combination of the two) can give back what was taken. We in our own power can only create a false copy. If you’re not the vehicle through which God is moving, take your platter of shrimp rolls – sit down and eat them yourself.

10. God Knows (and other statements of the obvious)
Maybe people don’t know what to say, but these statements are silencers and subject changers: (problems on the left, responses on the right)

My fiancé left me a week before the wedding - It’s a fallen world

I’m trying so hard, but I’m failing out of school - God knows

My boss is really on my case. I'm afraid i might get fired - As Christians we face persecution

The right hand comments would make great Bible study topics – if you were having a Bible study. While all the responses are true, they don’t really answer the problems. These are spin-the-bottle responses. Someone calls you up. They are telling you their current or ongoing tale of woe and you spin the arrow on the board you have on your kitchen wall.

They tell you they’re ready to give up on ……..fill in the blank. You spin the spinner and the answer is….

“God knows.” You spin it again (just to bring it on home) and it says “Jesus died for your sins” This is a great way to get people off the phone quickly. Not only have you not helped them, you’ve also given them a feeling of condemnation and made them feel stupid for coming to you in the first place. But hey, as a friend you’ve giving them the word so you’ve done your job.

I’m currently in between churches – not walking away from God, just taking a break from His people. I’ve spent this past year having to defend myself, having spiritual arguments and basically being told I was going to hell because I wasn’t ‘getting it’. Surprisingly, I do not walk away from these verbal exchanges feeling encouraged or loved. I walk away feeling battered and exhausted. The following are bonus suggestions in how to cut down on verbal insensitivites.

You Have The Bedside Manner Of A Billygoat.

I was in a Bible group. The group leader has a vast knowledge of the Bible and is very good at breaking things down and answering Biblical questions. I stayed behind to get proper insight into something. Honestly I can’t really remember what the question was now – It was probably along the line of “How can I feel God’s love after living through my childhood and my adult life hasn’t been much better…blah…blah…blah.”

Maybe I got him on a bad day, but he proceeded to rip me from top to tail for the next half hour. When sharing those enlightened Biblical revelations please note if the person you’re speaking to is crying. Are those revelational tears or tears of pain? Are you sure? Are they curled up in a defensive ball? Are their eyes big and unblinking? Do they look like they’ve just been hit across the head with a bat.? If you answer yes to any of these questions, you may want to tone it down a bit.

I was in pain. I don’t why I just didn’t get up and leave but my behind stayed adhered to the chair. I kept thinking why doesn’t he stop? I hoped his wife would come out and hand him a snickers candy bar to gnaw on instead of my flesh. But there I sat.

As you’re dropping your spiritual science, you must make a decision; do you want to be right or do you want to be heard.

When talking to your depressed subject, especially ones whose depression stems from verbal or physical abuse – please keep in mind we have flash backs. As he went on about how I was a filthy rag deserving death and a worthless sinner, I had an out of body experience and journeyed back to my childhood. The only different between what he was saying and how my mother would speak to me was the sprinkling in of Jesus. Instead of the biblical context of filthy rags deserving death, she would just say I was filthy and deserved nothing. Instead of worthless sinner she would just say I was worthless. The only thing missing was a black woman with a drink in one hand and a belt (buckle side down) in the other.

What I’ve never understood is, Jubilant Christians insist on spending much of the time on Gods wrath, and very little on Gods love. I guess they think that is sharing Gods love and Gods love can only be shared at high volume and with Jesus sprinkled put downs. They call it passion. I thought passion was a good feeling – like someone speaking about their favorite piece of music or sharing their testimony of how they overcame an affliction. I get that kind of passion. But angry passion is just angry.

There’s a psychology to listening. Lead off with what you want to make the most impact. Your bring it on home point will be lost if it’s not consistent with what you been talking about for the previous 15min. For example, You can’t go on about the law and God’s wrath descending upon them and then finish it off with a “But God loves you”. The ‘love’ part gets lost in the ‘wrath’ part. Try to make the exchange a balanced mixture of love and wrath.

I’m sure the group leader finished off with a ‘Jesus loves you’ or something along those lines. However, I was consumed with all my filthiness and as soon as he took a pause to pick the gristle out of his teeth, I was outta there.

Don’t forget to keep your audience in mind. Make note of who you are speaking to. You should never talk to a man the way you would talk to a woman. You wouldn’t talk to an over achiever with a big ego who thinks he/she has accomplished everything through his or her own hands the same way you’d talk to an underachiever, one who has never really accomplished anything and/or constantly beats themselves up. There’s a difference between the person who is looking for love in sexual situations and someone who is using sex and will lie and manipulate to get whatever they want. We are all different people. It’s not a one size fits all so when you’re dropping your spiritual science, you may actually have to give some thought to what you are saying.

Was the group leader right in what he was saying – Yes. Was he helpful – No.


The Thing About Instantaneous Healing

I love hearing testimonies. A person can be a addict on Wednesday and healed on Sunday. Those healings are very encouraging because in them you see the power of God. However everyone and every ill doesn’t get healed in the same way. People with instant healings can usually encourage but they can’t teach. They can’t walk anybody else though it. There wasn’t a process, they just got healed. Sometimes healing is like the myth of the ‘overnight sensation’. The reality is it takes a lot of work. It is not for us to say how much time is too much time. We are all different, like fingerprints. There’s personality type – the outgoing person will react to trauma differently then the introverted person. There’s IQ (intelligence quotient) and EQ (emotional quotient). Family relationships – do they have a good network of support or are they alone? What are their relationships with peers? Did they get along well in school? Are they book smart or street smart? Was a lot of attention given to their good looks or their lack there of? The people we are today is a sum of all the things (good and bad) that have happened to us in our past. We cannot be lumped together – ‘Well Bob was molested and he’s doing well. Why are you having such a difficult time?’

Your history is a part of who you are and it is not written away because you get born again. We make it either a footstool or a stumbling block.

THE ABISMALS

These things are beyond logical reasoning as words of comfort. I don’t know how deeply these beliefs have seeped into Christianity, but just in case, please refrain from the following:

1. I was having coffee with someone not long ago. We didn’t know each other very well so we were sharing our life stories. Ours were polar opposites. She, coming from a loving Christian family; me, obviously not. She asked me about my depression. I told her. Then she said, “I admire your pain. It makes you rely more on God”. There is a reason people are in pain so when you say, “I admire your pain’, you’re basically saying,

“I admire the lost of your child/spouse/parent”
“I admire that you were raped/molested.”
“I admire the demise of your 15 year marriage”

The truth is, whether your life is high or low, we all need to rely on God. The romanticizing of people’s pain and loss is beyond cruel and this gets a ‘Please shut your mouth immediately’.

2. I’ve heard it said we pick our own parents. This is usually part of various Buddhists and Hindu religions. The surprising part is I’ve heard this from a few Christians. I don’t know if JC’s are saying this as a weird justification of their happy/loving family lives; i.e. you chose your mom and dad so therefore you deserve what you get or… ‘You should have picked better like me.’ This is not biblical. We had no control over the situations we were born into. Sometimes we have to find peace in not knowing the why.

So seriously in the name of Jesus, if you honestly believe this - keep it to yourself.

3. This should go without saying but I am constantly marveled at how often I hear this. Please stop the extended talks of death to depressed people (especially teenagers). I understand saying when we die we get to go up to be with God where there is no more pain or suffering, however some depressed people tend to get stuck on the ‘die’ part and not the ‘God’ part. If you do not know how to combine law and love or if you are not sure how depressed they are, please remove this from your words of comfort rolodex. The depressed person, so desperate for relief, from whatever pain they’re experiencing at the moment might reason, ‘Why don’t I hurry this process along and go be with Him now.’

We all need to feel a sense of purpose; that we have something to contribute. One of the core symptoms of the depression is not worldliness but worthlessness. We don’t want to encourage people to see Jesus sooner than they were supposed to. The depressed person in your life may have another 20 years of life. Why not speak hope to them. Tell them they have people to help, things to do and they have value… something they may not have been told very often.

If this is the only way you know how to offer comfort - Please, close your mouth and walk away from the depressed person immediately.

Don’t Be Like Job’s Friends?

I’m sure you’re familiar with the book of Job. The majority of the book is the discourse between Job and his three friends; Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar.

In the beginning of the book Job starts off venting; he’s lost his wealth, his children and his body was covered with leaking boils. He doesn’t blaspheme God, but he does pour out all the pain of his heart. Instead of his friends offering words of comfort they began to judge him.

“Where were the upright ever destroyed? As I have observed, those who plow evil and those who sow trouble reap it”. (Job 4:7-8)

Looking at Job’s present condition the friends become convinced of Job’s guilt. They not only have insight into Job’s sins but that of his children.

“When your children sinned against Him, He gave them over to the penalty of their sin.”
(Job 8:4)

Job asks God to tell him of the charges brought against him. (Job10:2) Though they have no specifics, the 3 become relentless in their pursuit of convincing Job he has some serious sin in his life.

From Eliphaz he hears, “Is not your wickedness great? Are not your sins endless?” (Job 22:5) “You gave no water to the weary and you withheld food from the hungry…” (22:7)

Which completely contradicts what Eliphaz said in Job 4:3-4, “Think how you have instructed many and how you have strengthened feeble hands. Your words have supported those who stumbled; you have strengthened faltering knees.”

From Bildad: “You who tear yourself to pieces in your anger, is the earth to be abandoned for your sake. Or must the rocks be moved from their place?” (Job 18:4)

From Zophar: But a witless man can be no more become wise than a wild donkey’s colt can be born a man.” (Job11:12)

In turn Job calls them, “Miserable comforters.” (Job 16:2) And they are. Their speeches are full of accusations and harsh words but no compassion. Throughout the dialogue some of the things the 3 say are correct, but the application and the timing are horrible.

While we may experience pain and loss, praise God most of us haven’t gone through what Job did. I don’t know anyone including myself who God would see as blameless or without sin. We are all sinners, but I find it interesting how much of my Christian interaction this year has been with people dragging out my sins as if there is something particularly heinous about mine, while theirs is light or minimal at best.

Is there something they know about me that I don’t? As far as I know I live alone, so where are they when I’m praying to God and asking for His forgiveness and guidance? But yet they seem to know my heart like God does. My Eliphaz’, Bildads’ and Zophars’ are so convinced of my wrong doing, instead of comfort they offer condemnation.

I’ll get off the JC’s for a minute and make it more general. Some Christians don’t ask you; they tell you. Vast assumptions are made about you, your life and your relationship with God. It’s one thing if you see one’s sin. For example; you go over to a friend’s house in the morning, let’s say, to drop something off and you see their boyfriend/girlfriend coming out of the bedroom in a robe, yawning and stretching as if they just woke up. As friends we’re suppose to hold each other accountable. Even then you wouldn’t (at least I hope not) slam them with a, “You’re going to hell!” Hopefully you’d ask them what’s going on; cause maybe he/she came over for breakfast too and spilled something on their clothes which are now in the washer and your friend gave them a robe to put on and you happen to catch them in mid yawn and while they were scratching their butt. It could happen. Once it’s agreed it is like it looks, then that would be a good time to point them to the word. If you haven’t gotten thrown out of the house yet, it might be good to have a talk not a lecture, but a talk.

It’s another thing to go on proverbial witch hunts where you stand outside looking in and come up with your own conclusions.

Jobs friends had a ‘cause and effect’ approach to God. They each said in different ways, upright men don’t suffer. Even the disciples had this way of thinking.

“As he (Jesus) went along he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

Jesus replied, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” (John 9:1-3)

I wonder if underneath it all; all the curt responses, the judgment, the lack of compassion, if deep down some Christians feel you deserve just what you’re getting.

God rebukes Job (as only God can), “Does the eagle soar on your command and build his nest on high? (Job39:27) and Job humbly repents, “Surly I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.”(Job42:3). Job’s previous speeches were a perfect example of ‘stinkin thinkin’ but God in His good grace forgave Job and restored his life to its previous prosperity.

For their inaccurate portrayal of God and their self-righteousness, God rebukes the 3friends. He tells them to make a burnt offering to Job and to ask Job for prayer.

God never told Job why he suffered in that season, that it was He who removed the hedge of protection around him. None of us knows why there is such suffering in the world. Why some have a harder time in life than others or why when tragedies happen, it takes some longer to recover. We are not God. We may ask questions, but how many of us really receive answers and if we did would it make the sorrow any easier to manage. We can only make the choice to press through and trust God.

Compassion, like joy, is a heart issue. If you don’t have it, you can always pray for it.

Part 2 will be; "You're Depressed. Now what."