The Girlfriend Experience - article 9

This is me throwing my hat in the blog pool for Valentines Day. I stand behind my opinion however, be forewarned. While I may seem to speak with some authority I have no idea what I’m talking about.

A friend and I tried to play match maker. The female, Girl A, was her friend. The male, Boy B, was mine. We all went to the same church, so we were familiar with each other. Girl A was just his type; she was young (early 20’s) but not silly, olive complexion with a mass of dark curly hair. Boy B was in his mid 30’s, light brown hair Midwest guy with all the traditional values.

He told me how he was having a hard time finding a good Christian girl who was ready to be in a relationship. My friend and I though perfect. Girl A was serious minded and thought he was really cute, but when I approached the idea to Boy B, he was less than enthusiastic.


“You know which girl I’m talking about?” I ask.

“Yeah.”

“She’s cute right? And she loves the Lord.”

“Yeah.”

“So what’s up?”

“Well, Tracy…I just want to wait and see what God wants and I don’t want to start anything until I get a word from Him.”

You need a word for coffee? I thought.

My mind searched for a Christian way to say – snap out of it! Don’t you have needs? Desires? But I couldn’t think of anything so I simply said, “Um…ok.”

It has been said men are more sexually aggressive than women. They supposedly think about sex several times a day. I often wondered if God made men more sexually aggressive to motivate them. I mean sure we women may have messed things up during the sexual revolution and by opening our legs up too quickly (Do not be mad at me. You know I’m right), the model in its original design worked.

The scripture says, “He who findeth a wife, findeth a good thing.” Find is indicative of
searching and searching is indicative of effort. We’re not animals; we aren’t suppose to act out all of our desires as they pop into our heads. But if men didn’t have any desires to motivate them, they would sit around and watch sports all day, work on cars and eat.

You get thirsty; you seek out water. You don’t want to live on the streets; you go everyday to that job you don’t like. You have the warmys, you make yourself into a responsible human being, keep God first in all you do (this does not contradict with Boy B’s response. It really is ok to meet someone for coffee) you court, have pre-marital counseling and get married. See how easy that is.

I’m not beating up on the men here, but it just so happens the women I know are ‘ready’ so therefore, the fault (for lack of a better word) lies with them.

I’m not sure if it’s just Christian men or if it’s L.A. men, (and this includes men that moved out here from family oriented regions and have immersed themselves into the L.A. culture to the point where they themselves are now ‘L.A.’) but I’m hearing about a lot of emotionally castrated men. What’s with the unending life phase of, “I need to get in touch with myself.” Is this a lack of self awareness or is it laziness?

Not to get all new-agey, but we are all balls of energy. When a group of women live or work closely together, their monthly cycles will adjust to whoever is the dominant of the group. Even when words aren’t spoken, our bodies communicate non-verbal messages all the time. Also; consciously or un-consciously male/female relationships share an unspoken exchange of boyfriend/girlfriend energy. Let’s look at some transgressions first.

Why I don’t think Oprah and Gayle are in a lesbun relationship

These two women have a very close friendship. When they televised a road trip it was obvious just how close. I only needed to watch a little bit of a few episodes and then Oprah’s interview with Barbara Walters, to see they have (in my opinion) an unhealthy exchange of boyfriend/girlfriend energy. In the interview Oprah said;

“Gayle is the mother I never had. She is the sister everyone would want. She is the friend that everybody deserves.” Then she shed some tears. Please understand, I love the Oprah, but this left many people scratching their heads and saying ‘What the h”.

For whatever reason when someone gives up on the opposite sex or feels they just can’t be bothered, they often turn to their same sex friend or friends to meet the excess of their emotional needs. Unchallenged, this can go on forever. And let’s be honest, does anybody have any idea what’s going on with Steadman? I have rarely seen a man so totally void of sexual energy. I mean none.

The Will and Grace Relationship

There are a lot of the gay male/straight female relationships going on. I’ve had a few myself. They can be very healthy to a degree, meeting several emotional needs. Let me repeat, to a degree. I’ve heard a few of them say about a female friend, “She needs to get a man. I can only do so much.” The gay men I was friends with were already in relationships. In most cases, if the man is already ‘out’, he’s in, just got out, or on the look out’ for a relationship. The women however, are cool with things being just the way they are. The emotional needs are getting met, so why bother with anything else. If you watched the show Will and Grace, you know this was a constant argument between the two characters. Towards the end of the show and then the finale, they evolved the relationship to where for a period of many years, they were no longer friends. They leaned on each other too much in ways they were not supposed to. They were asking each other to fulfill a need the other wasn’t equipped to do.

The Mama’s Boy

I’m not talking about the guy who loves his mama and talks to her frequently. I’m talking about the guy who can’t and hasn’t made a decision about anything without her input. They not only talk daily, they talk several times a day. Typically this guy may get married late in life if at all. He has been emotionally castrated since early childhood and has no sexual energy whatsoever.

There was this nice guy at my job; late 30’s. I was in the break room making some tea and he was in there talking on his cell phone. I could tell it was a woman, I thought either his wife or girlfriend until I heard him say, “Ok mom.” Awkward. Talking to your mom should never be mistaken as talking to your woman. I learned later he had never been married and had always lived with him mom.

Then there was my neighbor. He died not long ago; 1 year exactly after his mother passed. I remember seeing them in the hallway together when she came to visit him. I thought this was his older girlfriend he was having a really unhealthy relationship with. Turns out I was partially correct. The way they were talking to each other – they sounded like one of those couples whose communication always involves a lot of yelling and harshness. Again, I’m not talking anything sexual per say, but it’s improper…creepy or maybe the better word is familiar. There are boundaries in relationships that should not be crossed. After she passed, he was completely lost. He had been so dependant on her he had no idea how to take care of himself.

The Girlfriend Experience

A friend of mine had this guy friend. Well, she wasn’t sure if he was a friend or if maybe he was interested or maybe he wasn’t, but then again maybe he was. Other people would ask her, ‘Are guys dating?’ He was giving mixed signals. He was doing all the things a guy interested in a girl would do, but maybe not so much. You go on those things that seem like dates, but then again maybe they aren't.

He asks you out – check
He picks you up – check
He pays the tab – check

But something is still off. There is nothing worse than having a girlfriend experience and not knowing it. You may not be swapping saliva, but you are swapping everything else. Your friends have become intertwined; for invitations people approach both of you, as anyone would a couple. They don't know...heck you don't even know.

There's the thing you can’t put your finger on. With two Christians dating, you can’t go by physical touch – because in the beginning there is none. However, the word familiar comes up again. Perhaps there are rides to and from the airport; taking his keys to feed and pick up his dogs' poop when he's out of town. You sit next to each other at gatherings. You have inside jokes no one else gets. You have intimacy. You say to yourself, 'Maybe he doesn't know either...'

Oh my dear - Yes he does.

My friend tried to decipher the man code until she decided to make a decision as to their status - just friends.

Kelly Clarkson has a song I like called, “I Do Not Hook Up”. Well, my song would be titled, “I Do Not Flirt”. This is not a judgment call; I’ve just never had the confidence one must have to get your flirt on. I knew I could never get a guy based on how I looked, but I thought my wit and humor would make up for it. I cannot decipher man code. I do not try. ‘What does it mean when he says this?’ or ‘What does it mean when he does that?’ I have no idea. I can barely remember where I parked my car; I need to be stingy with my available brain cells.

Whenever in doubt, I ask. Women folk would say to me, ‘You can’t just ask’, but no one ever explained to me why. During my 20's, I had met some really nice guys through work, or friends etc. If we had a good connection, rather than trying to figure out what their sideway actions or comments meant, I asked,

“You want some of this?”

“Huhhh…No”

A few of them, became great friends, of a sort. One guy was a jazz musician. When he wanted female companionship, we’d hang out. He was the only boy in a family of 3 sisters. He was really close with his mom but had a bad relationship with his dad. He moved from Louisiana to L.A. to pursue his dream of living off of his music. He’d tell me I was his sister in L.A. He was very kind to me and never let me pay for anything when we went out. I’d say, “I’m going to treat you this time.” He’d say “Ok.” Then when the bill came, he’d grab it and pay. “That’s how I was raised Tray”. He had already turned me down, so I knew whatever happened going forward, it was only out of friendship.

There was another guy. He had a relationship with a woman who, how do I say this? - was taking care of him. I wouldn't call him a gigolo; he wore his pants up too high. He invited me over to his apartment and made me dinner. His lady had brought him a big screen color tv. I lightly teased him about what he had to do to get it. He laughed. I think he appreciated that even though i teased him sometimes, I didn’t judge him. I told him he would find his way.

There were a few others, but these men treated me kindly. They wanted nothing from me, except the girlfriend experience. If they treated me, someone they weren’t even attracted to, this well; I could only imagine how they would treat their girlfriends, when they got them. And eventually they did, ending their relationship with me.

I wonder if it was because I was upfront and asked them their intentions. I called out the white elephant in the room; a way of game recognizing game. These young men and I slipped into a silent agreement of boyfriend/girlfriend energy exchange; a mutually agreed upon relationship. There were no inside jokes. I met some of their friends as the outing permitted, but there was no merging of worlds. When we went to gatherings, they stayed mext to me long enough for me to get comfortable in my new surroundings; something any good friend would do. People knew we were friends, but nothing more.

Bringing things to the forefront makes them aware, you’re aware of what they’re doing. For example, I’d say, “We’re spending a lot of late night time on the phone having these in depth conversations…are you trying to push up on this?”

"Uhhh...no."

Either way the late night talks would end. Those types of talks should be reserved for a true intimate relationship between boyfriends and girlfriends. The pseudo friendship would either end or we’d move into a silent agreement. Some guys want the girlfriend experience out of laziness. They want the benefits, but not the work. They don’t want a mutual agreement; they just want what they want without thinking of how the other person is feeling. You're using someone when you know they like you and you don't.

I haven’t had one of these types of relationships in years. I enjoyed them while they lasted, but the problem is they never last for long. A girl comes along they are attracted to and all attention goes to her, as it should be. The ‘experience’ should never out weigh having the actual girl.

Those were the transgressions. So what are the proper uses? Well, there aren’t really any. Boyfriend and Girlfriend energy should only be used with a boyfriend or girlfriend. It’s like we have control panels with all these buttons. Your parents have access to some of the buttons. Your friends have access to others. If you have children, they have access to yet another section of your control panel and then your partner will have his or her own section. Access should not be intermingled, because you cannot compare these relationships. They should stand alone and totally separate from the others.

When I’m feeling ‘that kind’ of lonely (surprising huh?), I don’t call girlfriends. It’s like when I was trying to stop eating chocolate; I’d buy these carob brownies sweetened with fruit juice (what the?) My body and my taste buds did not honor the chocolate substitute, which often tasted like wet sand in my mouth. When I’m wishing for male companionship, I cry out to God or clean my apartment or buy a cupcake. It's not fair for me to bring this burden to my female friends. They’re carob and I want chocolate.

I know… This is a different kind of Valentine’s Day offering, but I’ve never had a valentine so what do you want from me? Well... except for when I was in grade school and everybody got those little valanetines cards your parents purchased and then we'd pass them out in class. (sigh)I need a cupcake.