Sell A Cookie, Go to Jail - article 7

The federal government, by way of Michelle Obama or maybe it’s the other way around; is trying to introduce a child nutrition bill which will ban bake sales in schools.

Well, all I can say is…It’s about time. There has been such a focus on teacher layoffs, illiteracy and classroom overcrowding; that bake sales have been put on the back burner. Those homemade brownies and cookies, be they from scratch or a box, are straight from the devil. And don’t even get me started about Girl Scout cookies, specifically Thin Mints.

It’s good to know the federal government has decided to step in and regulate what we can and cannot eat and they’re starting from the ground up; first the kids and next it’ll be us grown people.

If a child wants a treat, let them get it from mercy of the blue hairs in the cafeteria. That’s how it was done in my day. One day they might give you a box of raisins. On another day it might be a marshmallow. People, the city is in poor shape and needs our money. Its better we figure out ways to give them our hard earned cash then to allow ourselves to be seduced into lining the pockets of school clubs wanting to raise money for new equipment or computers for the kids. I mean, what are they going to do with it…learn?

I will be glad when the fed’s take this to the next level; meaning they start going to our jobs and regulating the vending machines with their pre-packaged cookies and candy bars. It’s also time the food vendors coming around our offices at lunch time selling sandwiches and overpriced salads, get regulated. What’s their letter grade anyway? Just because they’re mobile doesn’t mean they’re meeting food preparation and safety regulations. Is the car they transport the food in clean? What about the ice chest they house the food in? There’s no ice in the ice chest. Is that ok? Are the eggs in the mayo organic or injected with super-hormones? What about the cellophane around the cookie as big as my face? Is the plastic wrap leeching poisons that will ultimately affect my fertility (as if my age hasn’t taken care of it already)

What about our co-workers selling food stuffs on behalf of their beloved little Johnny to win a trip for his class to go to the zoo. Is it really safe to buy a tin of chocolate covered almonds being shipped from South Dakota to L.A.? What about the tub of cookie dough? How many calories are in a single cookie? There is no guarantee the person it’s being shipped to is actually going to bake cookies. They may choose to just scoop it out of the tub and eat it raw. This cannot be allowed to happen.

While the fed’s shouldn’t stop at bake sales, they probably should check the children’s pockets and backpacks for illegal snacks. Lunchables – what is that? Perfectly round meats matched with perfectly round yellow or white cheese to be set on perfectly round crackers. Is the answer for parents to make sandwiches for their kids? That all depends.

Where are the parents getting the bread from? Was it from the 99cent store or Ralph’s? Is it organic? Is the wheat bleached or unbleached? A pb&j sandwich may be a perfect whole food – protein, fruit and carb; but it can kill you if you have dry mouth.

The federal government should be monitoring us. After all, who knows better then they what we should put in our mouths.

I have personally been traumatized by bake sales. We had one at work last Christmas to benefit some poor people. I purchased some cookies and a brownie. And then I got all sleepy after I ate them. It was horrible. I mean sure, the proceeds went towards getting families food and shelter, but I had a difficult time doing my job for the rest of the day. Where was the federal government then???

What about the time I brought a muffin from the sandwich vendor guy and I only intended to eat half of it, but then I ended up eating the whole thing. Why didn’t the fed’s stop me. I need the federal government to come and regulate me!

They need to send an agent to my door…male, around 37-45 year age range, Christian, race unimportant, single (obviously), a good sense of humor, clean cut but with an edge, it’s ok if he has a kid; depending on his relationship with the baby mama, in shape enough to chase me down and prevent me from buying ice cream bars at the nearby AM/PM mini mart and then for 3 blocks, carry me in his big strong arms back to my home…wait…What was I talking about?