SUGAR; the lonely woman's crack - Article 5

“Crack is whack” – Whitney Houston

It was one Sunday at midnight, so maybe it was Monday. The monkey was on my back and had been talking to me all night. I gave in. “What is open at this time”, I thought to myself. I got in my car and drove to an AM/PM mini market and gas station combination. I knew for a fact, they had the ice cream bar I was craving; chocolate on the outside, chocolate on the inside – I do not play.

It was a quick trip, in and out. I changed out of my house cloths and into my pajama’s, which I must admit there is little difference, and sat down to enjoy my treat.

As soon as I opened the box, I noticed a problem. Apparently, at some point the ice cream bar had melted completely and then froze again. It was a square frozen milky mess. The stick, the bar was to be held by, was completely enveloped in hodge podge of frozen brown stuff. I should have thrown the bar away. Instead I got a spoon, scraped away the frost-bite and dug in. My stomach began to gurgle and hum. I was assuming the bar had only melted and re-froze once. My taste buds told me I might be wrong. “What is this waxy film in my mouth?

Are there AA type meetings for sugar addicts? A place where they show videos of what sugar does to the body. Is there a place I can go where people confess the depths they have gone to satisfy sugar cravings without social judgment. A place where we finish with group hugs and words of affirmation.

I have index cards with Bible scriptures that I am to read aloud for 5 minutes before giving in. It worked, until I could no longer find the index cards in my bottomless purse. Instead of going to the break room and getting a snickers bar out of the machine, I imagine the cool crisp taste of an apple; the sound it makes when I bite into it. Then I go and get the snickers bar.

Sugar makes me illiterate; imagine my horror when I discovered a pint size of ice cream is suppose to last for 4 servings and not 2. Sugar makes me greedy; a bite of good chocolate is like a kiss and all I desire is more.

At work I troll offices, known to keep dishes of bite size treats, like an addict looking for a fix. I look forward to those emails. You know the ones; “Come and celebrate such n’ such’s birthday with cake at 3pm.” I don’t know who such n’such is, I come for the cake. Costco or Porto’s Bakery are major scores.

When I’m feeling lonely, I run for the sweets. It’s like I have this sense of entitlement; if I can’t have love – then chocolate will do.

I try to keep myself entertained by watching romantic comedies, however, I wonder if they do me more harm than the laughs they bring. I watch these unrealistic situations with people living in unrealistic apartments with hardwood floors, lots of natural light and rooftop gardens overlooking the city. They have unrealistic jobs that seem to offer ridiculous wages yet lots of time off. There are always parking spots right out front of everywhere they need to go. If public transportation is used, buses or subways seem to come immediately. They have unrealistic boyfriend/girlfriend relationships where despite the required conflict plotline, love wins out. And everyone, friends included, have perfect hair and a great sense of personal style. While this is a set up for failure, it does not give me an excuse to lose my mind in the candy store. Jelly Belly jelly beans, while coming in a variety of fruit flavors are not fruit.

Even though I am not a member of a sugar addicts group, I will make some vows and I will state them to you; the reader. And if you too are a sugar addict, throw open your window and say “NO MORE!!!”

Say it with me; Sugar, I will no longer bow down and worship at your alter. Cupcakes I rebuke you; chocolate, chocolate and peanut butter, red velvet and all other flavors and combinations. Delicious tea cakes from Martino’s Bakery; I rebuke you, your moist tasty goodness and butter cream frosting. Aroma Café I will no longer wait in your long line of beautiful people; women flipping their hair in my face, men flashing their newly bleached white teeth while running their hands over their 24-hour facial growth. Yes, you Aroma Café with your beautiful couples openly sharing their love to the point they’re holding up the line with their inability to order because looking at the menu would have meant not being able to gaze into each other’s eyes.

Just because I am unable to get or sustain a relationship does not mean I will take you as my substitute lover, sugar. You are not a suitable partner for me.

I will instead take up hobbies such as cleaning, knitting or relining my kitchen shelves. I will ask friends how they are doing and this time I will listen to them instead of thinking, “are they going to finish the rest of that cake?”

The next time I go to an engagement party, wedding or other social gatherings, at which expressions of love are all up in my face, I will not stop at The Cheesecake Factory on the way home.

Instead of fantasizing about sweets, I will fantasize about the many ways cauliflower can be prepared. I will think on hot cereal, naturally sweetened with raisins or bananas. I will spend my Saturday evenings doing productive role playing, such as:

“Would you like a Martino’s tea cake?”

“No thank you. I am ok with my loneliness.”

Candy, you are not my god. I will no longer daydream about hot fudge cake, See’s candies or that huge warm cookie, complete with ice cream that BJ’s Restaurant serves.

Sugar you are no longer my lover. It’s over between us. Well…maybe we can be friends.
Friends with benefits.