ALMOST LIKE NEW, BUT NOT QUITE - article 3

I was at a non-church church get together and a couple of the young ladies were talking about their purity rings. For you non-Christians; a purity ring is when girls and guys (hello to the Jonas Brothers) pledge their virginity to God until they get married. I know this may seem like a daft concept to some people but waiting til marriage has many benefits. For instance:

1. You’re being obedient to our Heavenly Father.
2. No STD’s (but not necessarily if you’re doing everything but…)
3. Avoiding bitterness
4. It makes you smarter (It’s a proven fact that keeping your legs closed keeps your eyes and ears open – therefore your idiot radar stays intact.
5. You have more time for hobbies.
6. You have closer friendships – because you’re not relying on some fool that’s never gonna be right anyway cause he’s a selfish, self-serving… (see #3)
7. You maintain a good sense of self worth.
8. Your credit score stays higher.
9. (@ youngsters and 30 year old guys staying in mom and dad’s basement. No I am not judging you) You have better relationships with your parents because you’re not always lying about where you’ve been and who you were with and why you don’t have the same cloths on you were wearing when you left this morning.
10. You avoid that deep gapping hole, you try to fill with food or more sex, which comes from giving yourself away to some moron that wouldn’t know a treasure even if someone smacked him across the face with gold deblumes. (see #3)


I am hardly pure. I wish someone would have explained my value and the importance of saving yourself for someone you love and who loves you. Instead I lost…No, excuse me; it’s not like I misplaced it like I do my keys. I gave my virginity to some football jock I was crushing on in high school. I sometimes wonder how my life would have differed if I had waited. But I never got married and as a matter of fact, it has been many many many moons since I’ve even been on a date let alone anything else.

Obviously I’m no candidate for the purity ring, and I wonder…do I really deserve a prize – when in all honesty – I have no other options but to be celibate. However, it would be nice to have a special trinket for being celibate now. Maybe a ‘reclaimed’ ring made of recycled materials or what about a bracelet with a charm in the shape of a hymen, reattached by diamond encrusted duct tape. It could be called the ‘like new’ bracelet.

I know this is going to sound very un-christian of me (as if I haven’t crossed that line already) but, I’m not sure that I’d want to be 45 and a virgin. When I look back, if I had waited for that ‘someone special’ who unfortunately never came along, I probably would be 45 years old and a…a…virgin.

I never met a 40+ year old virgin, at least not that I aware of, but I’m sure they exist. After all, I’ve seen the movie so they must be out there…somewhere. People proudly proclaim their virginity in their teens and 20’s, but how is it viewed when you’re in your 40’s or gulp…older. And is it different for men than it is for women. Allow me to quote a verse from the Smokey Robinson song, “Can You Love a Virgin Man”

How come people say
Lady virgin that's OK
But when the conversation turns around
Virgin man they always put him down
People say he must be “funny”
He ain't had a taste of honey

Would I want to date a 45 year old or older man that has no idea what to do? Huh….probably not. Is that bad on my part? Probably. And how would a guy feel if the rolls were reversed and she 45 or older? I wonder, why don’t we talk about these things. What happens to these desires? Not just the desire for sex, but for companionship. I’ve tried to approach this topic a few times with my christian peers and church leaders. After I get the look of extreme judgment, I am told God is suppose to fulfill all of my desires and if He’s not, it’s because:

1. My jeans are too tight.
2. I’m not really saved.
3. I have demons from listening to secular music or watching secular tv/movies or reading secular books/newspapers/magazines.
4. Demons.
5. I have a yeast overgrowth from too much sugar in my diet.
6. I should give a special love gift offering in addition to my tithe.
7. I’m not exercising enough, or I’m exercising too much (i.e. worship of the body)
8. Not reading the bible enough.
9. I have that ‘Jezebel’ spirit on me. (for you non-christians, this is a nice way of calling you a hoe. Not that you’re a hoe per say, but the spirit that’s on you is a hoe)
10. Generational curses (demons)

I’ve never understood why my ‘desire’ is a bad thing. Does it really have to mean that I don’t love God or that I’m possessed? Is the problem really the desire or acting on it? I desire to have an entire chocolate cake, but I don’t. I can’t even have a slice due to a gluten/wheat intolerance.

In the bible, Jacob works 7 years for Rachel, and then due to the trickery of her father, he works 7 more years to win her hand in marriage. Jacob didn’t do this because he was bored. He did this because he loved Rachel. In the dictionary one of meanings of the word desire is “an expressed wish”. Love is described as, “a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection”. Doesn’t sound dirty to me. It’s as if ‘desire’ is what you’re wishing for and ‘love’ is the actual expression of the desire. How I wish we could talk about it without throwing holy water on each other. But in the meantime…

I’m going to put on my best sweats, sit on my couch that also serves as my bed, indulge in a pint of dairy-free gluten-free ice-cream, while wearing my ‘like-new’ bracelet, with diamond encrusted duct taped reattached hymen charm. Don’t hate.